For the first post, I gave the title ‘ I know I’m Selfish’. Well, today after reading that post, I feel that I gave that title without thinking much. It is because I found that title much apt for the post I’m writing now. OK, I hope that a suitable title will come up by the end of this post. I’m alone in my home now. My parents are away. It’s been around days. I had my food from grandma and tea from aunt. Apart from the steady degradation my life in a day, I’m seeing things that I wanted to change forever.
Yesterday, I spent most of the day by sleeping- Complete inactivity. Today I feel kind of tired from yesterday’s sleep. Day before yesterday was better. I went to Kannur and spent the whole day with my friends. We watched Bachelor Party and Show the Spirit. The first is sort of Black Comedy and second is trying to give a message that Alcohol is injurious to health. Both presented LOVE in its own way. Bachelor Party is kind of teenage love and Show the spirit is of Love and Friendship after a divorce. Love is simple.I remember a quote of Hewlett Packard given by my tutor Sri. Tom P Davis.
To keep things simple, we use complicated ways
Based on these line if I look my love for Sherin, the only thing that gets back to me is a bunch of questions which I don’t have to or want to answer. I know of a man. He is a teacher and alcoholic. Relationship between him and his wife is quite bad. The guy is trying to prove something through his actions. What I fond in him was me. I tried to prove something by not doing the right thing. The result I’m in pain. The guy is in ecstasy whenever I see him. But I have this hunch that it is a kind of punishment that he is addicted to and he likes it . I need to find a word for that kind of people. And their relationship is one the thing that I wanted to change for good. Because I feel that there is love between the even now. I hate the bad ends. I pray for a good end.
Fear is another point of interest. To fear something, What do you think about it? My answer is You have no Idea. The man I just mentioned above created a fear deep inside me that the moment he left after his detailed description of his approach towards relatives I spent nearly two hours on phone talking to my father, mother, sister and brother in law because I felt like I will be like him If I don’t make calls to people who I am close to. The other things that matters to me is lying and confessions. Both hurt a lot. I am a lier. I lied about certain things for my own advantages. It does not hurt others. But lying being a dangerous game can hurt me in the end. Then comes confession. Only a priest can take confession as confession. Others can take it in anyway. Mostly we wind up thinking that it is better to lie anyway.
I had lied to sherin once. That I don’t know what she is talking to me. It’s about a love letter that I wrote to another girl out of an impulse. And I lied to sherin about this because I wanted her with me always. Years later, after not seeing her or hearing from her for nearly 6 years I made a friend request in orkut confessing that I love her in a friend request. Yet what had it done to me? There was nothing from her. As you can see I am only writing How I feel. I’m not even trying to think How she felt. I fear if I try to feel how does she feel maybe I might jump into wrong conclusions. See, even the way I fear is complicated.