Selfish

For the first post, I gave the title ‘ I know I’m Selfish’. Well, today after reading that post, I feel that I gave that title without thinking much. It is because I found that title much apt for the post I’m writing now. OK, I hope that a suitable title will come up by the end of this post. I’m alone in my home now. My parents are away. It’s been around days. I had my food from grandma and tea from aunt. Apart from the steady degradation my life in a day, I’m seeing things that I wanted to change forever.

Yesterday, I spent most of the day by sleeping- Complete inactivity. Today I feel kind of tired from yesterday’s sleep. Day before yesterday was better. I went to Kannur and spent the whole day with my friends. We watched Bachelor Party and Show the Spirit. The first is sort of  Black Comedy and second is trying to give a message that Alcohol is injurious to health. Both presented LOVE in its own way. Bachelor Party is kind of teenage love and Show the spirit is of Love and Friendship after  a divorce. Love is simple.I remember a quote of Hewlett Packard given by my tutor Sri. Tom P Davis.

To keep things simple, we use complicated ways

Based on these line if I look my love for Sherin, the only thing that gets back to me is a bunch of questions which I don’t have to or want to answer. I know of a man. He is a teacher and alcoholic. Relationship between him and his wife is quite bad. The guy is trying to prove something through his actions. What I fond in him was me. I tried to prove something by not doing the right thing. The result I’m in pain. The guy is in ecstasy whenever I see him. But I have this hunch that it is a kind of punishment that he is addicted to and he likes it . I need to find a word for that kind of people. And their relationship is one the thing that I wanted to change for good. Because I feel that there is love between the even now. I hate the bad ends. I pray for a good end.

Fear is another point of interest. To fear something, What do you think about it? My answer is You have no Idea. The man I just mentioned above created a fear deep inside me that the moment he left after his detailed description of his approach towards relatives I spent nearly two hours on phone talking to my father, mother, sister and brother in law because I felt like I will be like him If I don’t make calls to people who I am close to. The other things that matters to me is lying and confessions. Both hurt a lot. I  am a lier. I lied about certain things for my own advantages. It does not hurt others. But lying being a dangerous game can hurt me in the end. Then comes confession. Only a priest can take confession as confession. Others can take it in anyway. Mostly we wind up thinking that it is better to lie anyway.

I had lied to sherin once. That I don’t know what she is talking to me. It’s about a love letter that I wrote to another girl out of an impulse. And I lied to sherin about this because I wanted her with me always. Years later, after not seeing her or hearing from her for nearly 6 years I made a friend request in orkut confessing that I love her in a friend request. Yet what had it done to me? There was nothing from her. As you can see I am only writing How I feel. I’m not even trying to think How she felt. I fear if I try to feel how does she feel maybe I might jump into wrong conclusions. See, even the way I fear is complicated.

I confess that I am selfish

Today, I entered into a mood to write my very first post. For a moment, I was considering various titles for this post. ‘Who am I’ was the first title that came to my mind. Then came ‘What am I’. Thus I understood that I am writing this post to satisfy my selfishness. Thats why I gave the title ‘ I confess that I am Selfish’. I have been reading things like ‘ Mind can do Miracle’ stuff for a long time. Now, I know that mind is a land where belief are the seeds. Hybrid the seed is faster the output.

After reading all those stuff, I always try to make my mind believe nothing is impossible. For instance, I tried to believe that I can clear first year backpapers and was successful in clearing most of it. But my belief was not strong enough that I didn’t clear those papers in a single attempt. So now I understand that how undoubtful and aunshakable is my belief then the mind will shape that belief. I believed in many things. But my doubt was so strong that it superseded in the thing that I wanted to believe.

Maybe thats why I never got a chance to tell Sherin, how I feel for her when I could. If I was confident, if I was honest , If I truely wanted her with me nothing would stopped us from being together forever. The way I see, she is the one. But I lost her with time. I really wanted to find her out. I don’t want to stalk her. Thus goes my complicated way of expressing my love for her. Love can happen only once. Because I tried to concentrate on many other girls but they just can’t be sherin.

I only know that I love her . Now, It will be a lie if I tell I tell that she won’t come back to me. However strong my negative emotions are, however strong my doubts are, there is a light deep inside my heart which spreads the hope that she will defenitely understand my love. I won’t be sad even if she denies my love after that. I can understand that she denied it because she understood my love.

Um..I need to start a category with a name. Because I hate uncategorized posts. These days I am finding various things happening around me more sharply. My mother and father is irritating me with advice when they call me. Practically, it is itching my ears and my dad was not happy to tell him that my ear is itching. He just said ” I’m cutting off” and hang up the phone. Its not that I hate his advices that I told him like this. It was really my ear was itching physically. Hope he won’t take my revealation as bad as that.

My father wanted me consider him as my friend. I can’t do that because he never really was that type to me. He had lot of friends from all ages and he is really cool with them. However the fact is that I’m his son. He cannot become both to me. Even if I let him he will miserably fail and I have seen it before. But he is a great dad and he is a good man.

My B’tech is over. I collected TC,CC and all those papers from my college. Now I needed to find a job. I had many backpapers . But can’t wait for it to complete to get a job because I am 22. I have to find my own bread. Hope the jobless period will be a remarkable time while job hunting and hope I will get a decent job for a living.